I'd never have thought it'd come to this... I hate myself, I hate my life... I hate what I've become... I'm sorry... I don't know how else to describe what I feel... Self-hatred, agony, contempt, spite, pain, sorrow, solitude... There's just too much negativity in the cocktail spinning in my head... I don't know what to do...
There comes a time when one feels so lost, so alone... In a world with billions of individuals, one feels isolated, enstranged from the rest of humanity... That time for me is now... I am in sorrow, I am in solitude... I've no one to turn to, no one to relate to, no one to hold on to, no one indeed... The Dragon's tears fall without being seen, moans in agony for without being heard... He feels, but feels alone... And therein lies the true pain... Compared to this, the hell before seemed like heaven... Damn me, damn me indeed...
Yes, The Dragon has returned once more... I am sorry for such a long absence... Half a year is a long time indeed... What can I say... Sometimes life doesn't permit the luxury of writing one's thoughts... Much has happened in these six months, but these tales shall be told in due time... For now, all I can say is, it's good to be back... It's been far too long since I've written anything, one of the things I've come to regret not doing for six long months... For all that's said and done, writing is the one thing that helps me calm myself, and the one thing that brings me solace and succor in this world...
Anyway, my words for this entry shall be brief, I've got a prior engagement to attend to... For those who have followed by words and musings, I am sorry, and know that I am back with a vengeance to burn down traditions and taboo... For those who are viewing my page for the first time, welcome, and feel free to browse through my archives... There's some stuff in there that are worth a read, in my opinion at least...
To all of you, I am The Dragon, I am Sylverphyre, last of the Windsong Dragons, and I have finally found myself once again...
Yes, I know I'm a lil' late updating my blog for the New Year, but well, I was rather busy celebrating and didn't actually have the time to think... Now that the dawning of a new year has settled in somewhat, I've had time to contemplate the many tales and trials that I had experienced last year... So many joys and regrets...
Firstly, the one major regret I have was for (literally) failing my parents in regards to my studies, as well as a son... I've done some things I'm rather ashamed of, and for lack of a better word, I've been a bad son... I don't know what it is with me... I really want to make them happy, yet I always get so self-absorbed with my own personal life with all its ups and downs... I've so got to stop letting my life rule me... It's my life after all... Sigh... I love them, my family... I just can't seem to show it or express it... Maybe it's my cold and calculative draconic nature, with its hidden fiery passion that tends to rule it... Or is it the fact that I am less than what I think I am? I wouldn't be surprised with that, as I have the emotional, mental and physical scars to show for my prideful arrogance... In the end though, all those are mere excuses which make it easier to face the plain cold facts... The root of my problem is simply me... It is within my power, within anyone's power, to achieve anything and everything that they desire...
The closing of 2005 did bring a rather pleasant surprise, in the form of another Dragon, yet also a Phoenix at the same time... I don't know what she is, be it a Phoenix held within a draconic shell, a Dragon within the flames of a Phoenix, or something completely new and unique to my eyes... The more and more we've spent time together, the more I find myself leaning to the last idea... She is special, to me and to those around her... Something about her, I just don't know... But I intend to spend my lifetime getting to know who she is, and even though I may never find out, at least I have the knowledge of what she is to me... That's what's important in the end, and I thank god I know at least that... If you're reading this, dear, know you're more to me than you think... I'm sorry if I'm not that good at showing it at times, but believe me when I say that I do... You could blame the Dragon in me, that is me, but don't doubt me...
In a way, I've been blessed with the companionship of friends old as well as new, and if I've ever hurt you all in any way, I am deeply sorry and know that I never took any of you for granted... A special mention goes out to the Phoenixs in my life... I never intended to hurt you, never took what we had for granted, and I did love you... I'm sorry for whatever it is that has happened, but I have no regrets... Every memory, both sweet and painful, I cherish deeply...
The New Year honestly doesn't seem like a new year to me, but I do sense a chance for a new beginning... Adopting a trait from the legendary Phoenix, it's a chance for a rebirth of sorts... And I intend to take it... I'll strive to reach my full potential in all things... I'll do all that I can to make my family, especially my parents, happy... I'll try my best to stop looking inwards and what was so much and start looking outwards and ahead to what can be...In the end, so long as we do all within our power to do what we do, it doesn't matter if we achieve or fail... Like the blazing Phoenix, will rise above all expectations and find comfort in the fact that we did what we could... Death is not the end, it's a change of state... Knowing this, I choose to die, and with my death I will find the will and tenacity to do what I failed before...
I am Sylverphyre, I am The Dragon, and with the New Year, I sense the wheel of fate and fortune turning... This time around, I'm not holding it back... This time around, I'm encouraging it... This time around, I'll ride with it... This time around, I choose to be both puppet and puppeteer of my own destiny...
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