Dragon Devoid, Dragon Dead...

I have a confession to make... During my absence since my last entry, my life has been falling apart... The thing is, it's me who's allowing it to happen... I'd go so far as to even say I am encouraging it... For sure I know I am not doing anything to hinder the descent... It's a long story, one I hate to share, but share it I must... Not for any gain on my part, but for those whore are close and dear to me... To my family, my friends, my loved ones, I am so sorry... To Angie, I know you're still keeping an eye on me from heaven, and I know I've betrayed your memory... You were the one true Dragon, not I... I am sorry, Seraph Draconis...
I don't know where to start, but I guess it's best to start with my course of life, my studies and the like... I've let my emotions get the better of me once again, I fear... For those of you who knew me back then, when I was still in Australia studying, and when my personal life was troubled with my breakup with my fiancee, I fell apart, and lost my opportunity to study abroad... It was by no means her fault that such a thing happened, for it was mine to allow myself to wallow in my depression and sorrow... Wasn't a good time for it either, with my semester just starting and everything... This time around, it's happened once again with my recent ex... Breaking up a week before college, I first thought I could hold it together... But as the weeks went by, I found myself sinking more and more into self-pity and neglected all that was offered to me... I am placing to blame on nobody but myself... To those involved in this, I am sorry... To my parents, I do not seek your forgiveness, for I know I've asked for it far too many times... I've failed you once again... I'm trying to pick things up again, but I know it's too late...
To my Phoenix, I know I owe you so much for coming into my life and bringing such joy and elation my soul has not felt in a while... I know you love me with all your heart, and you keep me warm as you embrace me with your blazing wings and passionate heart... Yet I put you through this personal ordeal of mine, which I know you do not deserve... I love you with all my heart, but I chose to sink into my own sorrows rather than see what I had right before me... I am an idiot, I know... I am sorry, Phoenix... I am so sorry... You deserve so much better, yet have remained by my side... Know that despite my sheer stupidity, you're first and foremost in my heart...
To my friends, I know I have let you down on numerous occasions... I know I have been difficult to deal with, and I've tried to put on a happy face... Yet I know most of you can see that all I wear is a mask... To those I have disappointed, I am so sorry... I know you're all there for me... God damn me for my ignorance and idiocity...
I have shrugged off so many responsibilities, I have chosen to be blind to what I have and could have... I am a fool... Angie, I am not the Dragon you said I was... I could never be the Dragon you believed in... I failed you as I have failed them...
As the angels had fallen, so have I... I don't expect forgiveness, for I know I've asked for too much already from this life... All I have done with these opportunities and expectations placed in my hands is to squander it and ignore it... I have lived a life full of woe and regrets, but it was by my own hand, by my own weakness, that I had allowed such things to take a hold of me... I am weak, I am no Dragon... I am a man with delusions of grandeur, and am unworthy to call myself a Dragon anymore... Angie, you were the only Dragon, and you'll always be the only Dragon... I am sorry... I am sorry to all of you who have known me, to have cared for me... To my Phoenix, I thank and love you for loving me despite all of this... To my friends, I am grateful for all of you still being there... To my family, I owe my very soul I owe you for bearing with me... I love you all, and am eternally in your gratitude...

Read more...

Live and Love...

It has been a while since I've posted an entry, and for that I am sorry... I've been a little busy with my personal life... Things have definitely changed for the better, and thus I find myself immersed in each and every day now together with my Phoenix... Her small frail form elegant and graceful, yet within it lies the Phoenix's heart, full of life, passion, wild and untamed... She's my everything and my all... Yes, I am absolutely in love with her... My Phoenix, my love... I've been spending nearly every waking moment with her, together in one another's arms... It's honestly more than I could ever hope for... I dare say that I think this time I have found the one... I think I've really found my true Phoenix this time...
We spent Merdeka, Malaysia's Independance day, together, which was beautiful... Watched the fireworks from a hill near my house... The fires that lit up the sky were a pale comparison to the fires I knew burned within her, within me, between us... How such a sweet flower could contain the spirit of The Phoenix I have no idea... Yet somehow, it seems right... And I'm glad that flower of fire fell into my heart... To my Phoenix, Soraya, I dedicate this poem to you...

Whispered Love

I whispered a prayer...
I prayed for a hope...

In my solitude I knew not why it was,
That my heart had only felt pain and fear,
Such horrid memories from hated past,
Recollections of events that I could not cope...

I hoped I could wish...
I wished for a dream...

Yet now I have broken the chain of events,
Jumped straight to dessert from poisoned dish,
I think I have found her to take me away,
The brighter side of life for me to redeem...

I dreamed of love true...
A love I've not known...

I now know of such pleasant feelings,
Lighter than ones I've had to live through,
Together now with my dear Phoenix,
I fly the heavens no longer alone...

Yes, I am flying in the heavens, so to speak... Love does that to you, no matter who or what you are... While the world may be at the brink of war, and global crises are threatening the lives of all, it's the little things such as love, hope, and dreams that keep the spirit and soul of mankind alive... Love isn't a tangible thing that you can hold on to or calculate... It's beyond all human comprehension... I love Soraya, my Phoenix, yet even I don't know what this power within me really is... All I know is that I'd give my all for her, and that's what's important... To quote Kahlil Gibran, "love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course".

Read more...